(Originally published on December 15, 2015 at: https://cornfreehippie.com/2015/12/15/corn-allergy-er-visit-work-in-progress/)
It’s time for some Corn Allergy Creative Writing! Because I am a poet & dramaturge this is a short performance piece. Enjoy!
Corn Allergy ER Visit (Work in Progress)
Kelly – corn allergic patient
Amiko – Kelly’s husband and ally
Scene: Kelly goes to ER for dehydration and needs IV fluids. She is accompanied by Amiko.K: Can you believe that they are so stubborn?
A: I know. I’m so tired of seeing them try to kill you.
K: You would think that the people that are supposed to help me get healthy would understand that giving me corn in an IV could kill me.
A: I’m no medical doctor, but even I get that.
DR: Hi Kelly.
K: Hi doctor.
DR: The nurses tell me you are giving them a hard time.
K: No. Actually, I’m trying to teach them about my allergy.
DR: Right, your chart says you are allergic to corn…
K: Yes and…
DR: There is no corn in the IV.
K: But there is dextrose.
DR: It’s just sugar.
K: Actually, Dr. it is not just sugar, it comes from corn.
DR: Yeah, yeah…the proteins are not present so you can’t have an allergic reaction to it.
A: Excuse me Dr., but please hear us.
DR: I do hear you. Do you hear me?
A & K: Yes. BUT you are wrong!
N: Do you need help doctor, I hear some yelling.
DR: Sure, but we are fine. I’m trying to educate these people about allergies.
N: Oh, that again?
K: Excuse me. Are either of you allergists?
N & Dr: No.
Dr: But I’ went to Standard Medical School and I…
K: Do either of you have allergies?
N & Dr: No, but we…
A: Do you live with someone with an allergy?
N & Dr: No.
K: We do.
Dr: I understand. You need to understand that I deal with allergic reactions all the time.
A: And how many patients have you helped with a corn allergy?
Dr: Um, well, let’s see.
A: Does that mean none?
Dr: Well, I uh…
K: Amiko, is that a number you understand?
A: May be that’s Stanfordese for a number, but I’m no doctor so I don’t get it.
Dr: Real funny.
N: See doctor, I told you they are ridiculous.
K: NO. You are being ridiculous because…
DR: I’ve had enough of these pranksters. Nurse, administer the IV, the patient is clearly so dehydrated that she is having brain fog.
K: NO! THAT dextrose IV could literally kill me.
DR: Do I have to call security?
K: No, just get me a corn free IV.
DR: We already discussed this, there is no corn protein in the…
K: Do you see these?
A: What are they?
N: A medical alert necklace.
K: What does it say?
N: We already have that information downloaded into your file.
A: Can you read it?
N: Just a second.
K: And what is this?
DR: A tattoo on your inner elbow that…
K: …that says: ALLERGIC TO CORN & DERIVATIVES, NO DEXTROSE IV!
DR: Clearly you got that when you were drunk, who does that? Nurse, the I.V.
K & A: What?!?!
N: NO! Doctor, wait, wait…her chart says…
DR: Yeah, yeah. Corn allergy. Fine, I’ll do it myself.
N: No, wait but…what is that? A taser?
K: Yes, he’s trying to…
N: I need help, doctor now.